Unlocking Inner Peace: Why Forgiveness Sets Us Free

Book Credit: The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu

Oct 16, 2024

Dear Adventurers,

While writing Dear Grief, I was led to the concept of forgiveness. Often, our grieving process requires forgiveness—not just of others, but of ourselves.

“There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one undeserving of forgiveness.”

These words from Desmond and Mpho Tutu’s The Book of Forgiving echo a profound truth about human nature. Forgiveness, however, is by no means a pretty process. As the authors describe, "We must walk through the muddy shoals of hatred and anger and make our way through grief and loss to find the acceptance that is the hallmark of forgiveness." It's not about glossing over the pain; it's about working through it.

Childhood Forgiveness vs. Adult Wounds

As children, I remember my sister and I would bicker, the volume rising until my mother intervened. "Go tell your sister sorry," she'd say. We’d exchange those words mechanically—"Sorry, Jassy" "I forgive you, sissy"—and then we were forced to hug. All done. Wounds healed, and everything was right with the world.

That was our childhood ritual, as familiar as a well-rehearsed scene from The Lord of the Rings. But was that exchange of forgiveness truly authentic? Can such a simple process be applied to the complex wounds of adulthood? Of course not.

Yet, the sentiment remains: at its core, forgiveness is about healing. It’s about moving forward without the close shadow of pain constantly reminding us of the hurt—whether caused by us or someone else.

“Forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world. We heal the world by healing each and every one of our hearts.”

Forgiveness as Self-Interest

Forgiveness isn’t about the person who wronged you. It’s about you. The Tutus remind us that forgiveness is ultimately an act of self-interest. We often hold onto resentment, thinking we’re punishing the other person. In reality, we imprison ourselves. It’s like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.

This nonsensical paradigm is familiar to many of us. Why? The ego. Our ego’s sense of justice refuses to let go of the offenses committed against us. It ruminates, waiting for the offender to make the first move. But we damage our well-being by waiting for an apology that may never come.

Until we forgive—regardless of whether the other person seeks forgiveness—the one who hurt us holds the keys to our happiness, keeping us locked in an emotional stalemate.

This emotional Cold War resonates deeply with my own experience of holding onto anger. There was a time when I couldn’t let go of the wrongs someone had done to me. It was as if I were locked in a battle with them—except they weren’t fighting. I was waging a war against myself. But as Tutu explains, “Hatred is corrosive.” When I forgave, I didn’t let them off the hook—I freed myself. Forgiveness is the path to inner peace.

Forgiveness is for the Offended, Not the Offender

Often, especially in cases of abuse or power imbalances, the person who hurt us may never take accountability. Forgiveness then becomes a solely internal process, a step in our personal healing journey. The Tutus emphasize that forgiveness doesn’t require the offender to acknowledge their wrongdoing. It’s about freeing ourselves from the burden of holding onto the past.

For example, when someone deeply hurt me, I struggled with forgiving them, especially because they never admitted their fault. But over time, I realized that I couldn’t wait for an apology to start healing. I forgave, not to let them off the hook, but to release the hold their actions had on my peace.

Hate the Sin, Not the Sinner

It’s a remarkable feat to separate the inhumanity of a person’s actions from their humanity. This idea of "hating the sin, not the sinner" (which C.S. Lewis explores beautifully in Mere Christianity) challenges us to extend compassion even to those who have hurt us deeply.

This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior. It means understanding that the person who harmed us is also flawed, just like us. When we acknowledge our own brokenness, we begin to see that others, too, act out of their own pain, ignorance, or trauma. No one is perfect, and everyone has hurt or disappointed someone at some point. Forgiveness asks us to see beyond the offense to the person who committed it.

I had a close friend betray my trust, and for a long time, I viewed them only through the lens of that betrayal. But when I reflected on their struggles and the pain they were enduring, I realized their actions were not out of malice, but from their own wounds. While I didn’t condone what they did, seeing their humanity helped me release the bitterness. Though our friendship changed, I found peace in accepting the past and moving forward.

Thank you for visiting the Shire Bonsai Network! This post is public—feel free to share it with fellow travelers on your journey.

Brick by Brick: Forgiveness as a Journey

The process of forgiveness is not instant. In Luke 16:10, it’s said, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much.” Just as trust is built over time, so too is peace built one small act of forgiveness at a time, brick by brick. Whether you’re forgiving minor offenses or deep betrayals, each step forward is part of a larger journey.

Forgiveness, like the quest in The Lord of the Rings, begins in pain but ends in hope. Just as Frodo’s journey to destroy the Ring was long and dangerous, so too is the path to forgiveness. It feels impossible at times, but the destination is worth every step.

Focusing on the Present

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

This quote reminds us that we cannot change what has already happened. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come. What matters most is the present. When we forgive, we stop living in the shadow of our past hurts and start embracing the now.

In my own healing journey, I’ve learned the power of staying present. It’s easy to get lost in regret or fear of the future, but neither of those states is reality. Forgiveness allows us to move forward in peace, embracing the only moment that truly exists: this one.

We Don’t Heal in Isolation

Forgiveness is often seen as an individual act, but we don’t heal alone. Connection with others is vital to our healing process. Whether it’s confiding in a friend, joining a community, or seeking support, our ability to forgive grows when we lean on others.

I’ve found that my support system has been key to my healing. By opening up and sharing my struggles, I’ve gained perspective, compassion, and ultimately, the strength to forgive. As Elizabeth Kübler-Ross says, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, suffering, struggle, loss, and have found their way out of the depths.”

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not a one-time act but a continual process of healing. It asks us to see both ourselves and others as flawed but redeemable. It frees us from the chains of the past, allowing us to step into a future of peace and healing.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It opens the door to a life unburdened by bitterness, allowing us to embrace the present and move forward. Like Frodo’s journey to destroy the Ring, it’s difficult, but the freedom and peace that come with forgiveness make every step worthwhile.