The Battle for Peace: How Forgiveness Sets You Free

Book Credit: Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again by Lysa Terkeurst

Oct 23, 2024

Dear Adventures,

I have been exploring the concept of forgiveness lately and waned to discuss a wonderful bookish find. Lysa TerKeurst’s Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. While reading, I felt like TerKeurst was seeing directly into my heart. Her raw, authentic narrative on forgiveness resonated deeply with me, like she was reaching into the messy complexities of my own healing journey. She offers truths that, though hard to swallow, are essential to embrace if we want to break free from the chains of unresolved hurt

Forgiveness is not a pristine act of morality nor our attendance at a house of worship. It’s a battlefield, one fought within the self. The easiest choice is to be selfish, shielding ourselves with anger or bitterness, while the loving, godly choice often feels counterintuitive, challenging us to rise above what seems justified and embrace peace. As long as I choose peace, I promote love—and when I promote love, I create ripples of goodness in the world. The universe responds by giving me the tools to live my Dream Life.

We cannot gain what we are not willing to give.

Forgiveness Restores Beauty to Our Lives

One of the most transformative lessons I took from Forgiving What You Can’t Forget is how forgiveness restores beauty to our lives. As TerKeurst so beautifully writes, “The ability to see beautiful again is what I want for you and for me. Forgiveness is the weapon. Our choices moving forward are the battlefield. Moving on is the journey. Being released from that heavy feeling is the reward. Regaining the possibility and trust and closeness is the sweet victory. And walking confidently with the Lord from hurt to healing is the freedom that waits.”

Forgiveness is not solely an act of grace—it’s a way of reclaiming the joy and beauty that pain once clouded. When we hold on to bitterness, resentment, or anger, we risk losing sight of the goodness that still surrounds us. Life is filled with fleeting moments of beauty, and forgiveness is the key to restoring our ability to see them.

The journey to forgiveness, however, is neither quick nor linear. It’s a process that requires consistency, much like building physical strength in the gym. Each choice to release hurt, to let go of bitterness, strengthens our emotional muscles and moves us closer to healing. Instead of seeking escape from pain, TerKeurst invites us to embrace acceptance.

Forgiveness Is an Invitation to Healing

Another profound insight TerKeurst shares is that forgiveness isn’t about forcing yourself to let go. It’s about allowing—allowing space for hurt, time for understanding, and room for the pain to fade. "Forgiveness often feels like one of the most maddening instructions from the Lord,” she says. Yet, we are called to stop replaying the past or imagining how things should have been. Instead, we must accept what is and let go of the pain, recognizing that it's not our responsibility to keep it alive.

When I held on to the hurt others caused me, I was agreeing to carry that pain into every situation. I allowed their actions to hurt me over and over. Holding onto the hurt didn’t diminish my pain; it multiplied it. Forgiveness allowed me to break free and leave the past behind.

Reconciling with Altered Relationships

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation, and it certainly doesn’t mean things will go back to how they were. In fact, change is often a sign of growth, not a lack of forgiveness. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned, echoed by TerKeurst, is that “God can redeem your life even if damaged human relationships don’t come back together.” The end or change of a relationship doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven; it simply means we’ve embraced the lesson it had to offer. Staying the same often signals that we’ve avoided the growth that pain has called forth.

In the past, I’ve had experiences where I poured my heart out to someone, hoping for understanding and harmony, only to be met with a dismissive, “I hear you, but...” That moment stung. It felt like all my vulnerability was wasted, like I had thrown my pearls before swine. Many of us have been in that exact moment—where we’ve offered our deepest truth and received little more than indifference or deflection. It hurts deeply, making you question whether speaking your truth was worth it at all.

But here’s the hard truth: not everyone is equipped to receive your words, and some people simply aren’t in a place to truly hear you. As much as we crave resolution, sometimes the best thing we can do for our own healing is to stop waiting for the other person to change or validate our feelings. Reconciliation requires effort from both sides, but healing is an inward process that only you can control.

Thank you for visiting the Shire Bonsai Network! This post is public—feel free to share it with fellow travelers on your journey.

Beware of Unhealed Hurt

“Unhealed hurt often becomes unleashed hurt spewed out on others.”

- Lysa TerKeurst

This is a powerful warning. When we harbor unresolved pain, it’s like a ticking time bomb that can explode onto those who had nothing to do with our original hurt. I think of Smaug from The Hobbit, a dragon hoarding his pain (in his case, gold), only to unleash destruction on the world. Likewise, our unresolved hurt can trigger chaos in our lives. Energy, after all, is neither created nor destroyed—it will manifest in some form if not addressed.

We must be mindful of where we direct our pain. If we don’t deal with it internally, it will find its way out—often onto those we care about most, like our children, our partner, our coworkers, or even the cashier at the grocery store.

Healing Isn't Dependent on the Offender

One of the hardest truths I’ve come to accept is that the person who hurt me cannot be the one to heal me. As TerKeurst wisely states, “The person who hurt me may be the cause of my pain, but they are not capable of being the healer of my pain.” When we cling to the hope that the one who caused the wound will also be the one to mend it, we give them too much power over our lives. It’s like handing the keys to our healing to someone who doesn’t even know how to drive.

This is especially true when the person who hurt us isn’t even aware—or doesn’t care—that they caused harm. Waiting for them to acknowledge or apologize is a recipe for prolonged suffering. Healing can’t depend on them because, oftentimes, they are neither emotionally equipped nor willing to take responsibility. That’s why forgiveness has to come from within—it’s the only way to reclaim our power and stop the cycle of pain.

Take, for example, a situation where you’re hurt by a close friend. Let’s say you share your feelings, hoping for understanding, only to be met with defensiveness or complete denial of your experience. They might brush off your pain, claiming they didn’t mean it, or worse, they might never even acknowledge it at all. You’re left holding the hurt, feeling invalidated and angry. It’s tempting to think, If only they could see what they’ve done, I would feel better. But the reality is, they may never see it—and waiting for them to understand or apologize only prolongs the suffering.

In my own life, I’ve had to let go of waiting for closure from people who were never going to give it. Instead, I’ve focused on creating my own closure—on understanding that my emotional well-being is my responsibility. Once I stopped waiting for an apology or validation that would never come, I found that the freedom I sought was within my grasp all along. Healing, then, becomes a choice—one we can make even in the absence of the offender’s acknowledgment or participation.

Available for iOS and Android

Transformation Through Loss

TerKeurst beautifully captures this idea:

“Everything lost that we place in God’s hands isn’t a forever loss.”

By giving our pain and negative feelings over to God or the Universe, we acknowledge our human limitations. We lift the burden from our own shoulders, allowing us to stand tall in our strength and perseverance.

When we begin to truly understand how our thoughts and emotions shape our experiences, it’s like wielding the power of the One Ring—not to control others but to reclaim mastery over our inner world. Rather than letting our pain guide us down dark paths, we can redirect that energy into something life-affirming. Much like Frodo's journey through the trials of Middle-earth, we emerge from our losses not as the same person, but as someone wiser, more empathetic, and more resilient. Just as the Fellowship grew stronger despite their hardships, so too can we rise from our personal trials. Positive energy, like the light of Eärendil’s star, guides us through the darkest moments, reminding us that even in the ashes of our pain, we have the potential to grow and transform into something far greater.

Final Thoughts

Forgiving what you can’t forget is a journey, not a single act. It’s about reclaiming your power, finding peace, and choosing love—every day. It’s about embracing healing step by step, releasing the hold of past wounds, and allowing yourself the freedom to grow.

Forgiveness isn’t about running away from or hiding our wounds. It’s about acknowledging the hurt without letting it define or control us. We get to decide how much power we allow that pain to have over our lives. It’s like standing on a battlefield where you choose what’s worth fighting for. By choosing peace and forgiveness, we decide not to let hurt steal any more from us.

Reflecting on my own healing journey, I’ve realized that forgiveness isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about setting myself free from it. It’s about embracing the beauty of letting go, trusting that by doing so, I open the door to a brighter, more fulfilling future.

Don’t let the beauty of all that life is slip away beneath your concern for what is not. Forgiveness helps us shift our focus from what we’ve lost to what we still have—and that’s where true healing begins.

Reflection

In what areas of your life could forgiveness bring more peace and healing?
How might letting go of past hurts free you to embrace the present more fully?
Who in your life, including yourself, could benefit from the gift of forgiveness today?