The Formula That Changed How I See My Pain—It Can Change Yours Too

Reaching Resilience: Installment #7

Mar 19, 2025

Dear Adventurers,

As we conclude our exploration of healing from toxicity, let us reflect on the lessons Michael Todd offers in Damaged but Not Destroyed. This journey has been about understanding our worth, reclaiming our power, and fortifying our resilience. I invite you to read this final piece with an open heart and the spirit of self-compassion. Together, we can embrace the truth that no matter the damage we’ve endured, our value remains untouched.

Being H.O.T: Humble, Open, Transparent

Todd’s acronym H.O.T.—Humble, Open, Transparent—has become a touchstone for navigating challenging conversations and relationships. These qualities allow us to face toxicity with authenticity and grace, fostering understanding and healing.

For instance, I recently had a heartfelt conversation with my sister about the growing distance in our relationship. As twins, we share a deep bond, but life has often pulled us in different directions. In that moment, I asked myself:

Humble: Am I willing to learn from her perspective without defensiveness?
Open: Can I keep my mind open to her feelings, even if they challenge me?
Transparent: Am I being honest about my emotions and intentions?

These questions transformed the dialogue into a space of mutual growth. Being H.O.T. is not easy, but it’s essential for healing and building healthy, loving relationships with ourselves and others.

Overcoming Damage

Michael Todd reminds us,

“Disasters don’t last forever, and God’s grace will bring us through to the other side, to a place we could never have imagined. But we have to take the hit to find that out.”

Toxic experiences may leave us battered, but they don’t define us. As Todd says, “Your damage isn’t all of you.”

Reflecting on my own Life Adventure, I’ve grappled with the effects of childhood adversity: chronic illness, a fractured family, and emotional neglect. Yet, these challenges have not diminished my worth. I am here today, standing tall, not despite my experiences but because of them. Damage might leave scars, but it doesn’t erase our inherent goodness or the miracle of our existence.

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Math with Mike: Identifying Wounds and Their Origins

Michael Todd offers a simple yet profound formula to help us understand how past experiences shape our emotional wounds:
(The Weapon + The Where) = The Wound.

This exercise has been transformative for me in my own healing journey. By identifying the "weapon" (the action or event) and "the where" (the context or source), I’ve been able to name and confront the wounds I carry. Naming them is an act of power—it transforms abstract pain into something tangible, something I can work to heal.

Here’s how this formula applies to my life:

Father’s absence + rejection = resentment/lack of trust
“Keeper” role + unreasonable responsibility = perfectionism
Manipulation + abuse = fear of rejection

By breaking these experiences down, I’ve been able to see how certain patterns of behavior and belief formed. For example, my resentment and lack of trust stem from feelings of rejection in childhood. Acknowledging this allowed me to explore the deeper roots of my emotional responses, rather than simply reacting from a place of hurt. The same is true for the perfectionism that emerged from being cast in a “keeper” role, expected to carry burdens that weren’t mine. Understanding this wound helped me challenge the unrealistic standards I placed on myself and begin practicing self-compassion.

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An Invitation to Discover

I invite you to try this activity yourself. Think about the wounds that have come up along your Life Adventure. Ask yourself:

What was the weapon? What specific action or event caused you pain?
Where did it happen? What was the context or environment in which the wound occurred?

We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. This activity brings hidden wounds into the light where they can be understood, validated, and addressed. Awareness is the first step toward breaking the cycles of pain that keep us stuck in toxicity. It allows us to move beyond merely surviving and into thriving.

As you reflect on this exercise, remember that your wounds do not define you. They are a part of your story, but they are not the whole story. Healing is possible, and you have the courage within you to face this journey head-on.

Rebuilding Self-Image

“Your relationships, circumstances, and choices inflict damage on your covering (mind) and your container (body)—and whether you want it to or not, it affects your spirit.”- Todd

Todd reassures us that while our external experiences can damage our mental and physical health, “Your spirit—your true gift—can’t be destroyed. The value is still in you.”

Throughout my journey, I’ve learned that our value is intrinsic. It is not up for debate or negotiation. Toxic relationships or past mistakes cannot diminish the light within us. We are love, and our primary duty is to spread that love—first to ourselves, then to those worthy of our presence.

Our worth is not defined by how others have treated us, the mistakes we’ve made, or the pain we’ve endured. It is an eternal truth that resides in the core of our being, untouched by external circumstances. The beauty of this realization is that it empowers us to stop seeking validation from sources that can never truly measure our value. Instead, we can root ourselves in self-love and invite only those who cherish our authentic selves into our lives.

Healing begins when we recognize that no one and nothing has the power to diminish the light we carry. It is ours to protect, nurture, and shine into the world. By embracing this truth, we give ourselves permission to not only heal but to flourish. We become free to live authentically, unapologetically, and with the confidence that our light, our love, and our worth are unwavering.

Developing Resilience

Resilience is not about ignoring pain; it’s about learning to navigate it without letting it define us. Todd offers profound insights into resilience:

“You may not be to blame for the original hit, but healing can’t happen without you.” Healing requires our active participation. We must take ownership of our recovery, even when the wound isn’t our fault.
“God won’t heal what you refuse to reveal.” Denial only perpetuates pain. To heal, we must confront and share our struggles honestly, whether with ourselves, a trusted friend, or a higher power.
“When damage is driving, there will always be a crash.” If we let our wounds lead our actions, we risk perpetuating harm—to ourselves and others. Don’t let a wounded self take the wheel; instead, let your healed self guide you toward peace and stability.

Visualization Exercise

Close your eyes and imagine someone who makes you feel safe. This could be a friend, a partner, a pet, or even your higher self. Picture them sitting beside you, offering their comforting presence.

Now, imagine them looking into your eyes and saying: “I am sorry that happened to you. It wasn’t your fault.”

How does this make you feel? If you believe them, what steps can you take to reinforce that belief in your daily life? If not, reflect on why you might hold onto blame or pain. What would letting go look like for you?

Reflection Corner

What toxic experiences have you identified using Todd’s formula (The Weapon + The Where = The Wound)? How has understanding these wounds helped you heal?
How do you actively remind yourself of your intrinsic value when faced with doubt or negativity?
What role does resilience play in your healing journey? How can you strengthen this quality?
What does being H.O.T. (Humble, Open, Transparent) look like in your life, and how can you incorporate it into challenging relationships or situations?