How to Stop Self-Sabotage and Trust Yourself Again
Reaching Resilience: Installment #5
Dear Adventurers,
Leaving a toxic relationship feels like stepping into uncharted territory. For me, it wasn’t just about walking away; it was about facing the unsettling silence that followed. I left my family home in search of a physical boundary and a sense of psychological safety. Moving from my maiden home to a small one-bedroom apartment happened relatively quickly, but mentally, I had not left that environment behind.
I found myself stuck in a whirlwind of sadness, anger, and betrayal. The wounds I thought I’d left behind remained alive and raw, despite my expectations that having my own space would instantly resolve everything. But as Brianna Wiest so poignantly explains in The Mountain is You, trauma disconnects us from our sense of safety. It reshapes how we process emotions and see ourselves.
I remember questioning everything—my choices, my worth, even my ability to heal. The reality hit hard: I was still the same broken person, only now carrying the weight of quadrupled financial responsibilities.
Wiest’s words, however, offered a glimmer of hope: “You are here to create everything that would make you happier than you can imagine.” At first, this promise felt out of reach, but I clung to the possibility that happiness wasn’t just a fleeting dream—it was a truth I could uncover within myself.
So, Adventurers, I invite you to journey with me into one of the books that has been a guiding light on my path. The Mountain is You helped me navigate the shift from being a parentified daughter to becoming an autonomous, spiritually grounded person. It continues to refine me into the vision of my Higher Self, one step at a time. Let’s explore this together.
Self-sabotage doesn’t announce itself with fanfare.
It’s sneaky, creeping into the cracks of our daily lives in ways we often don’t notice until the damage is done:
Overspending to fill emotional voids.
Obsessing over what others think, hoping their approval will quiet our doubts.
Allowing self-defeating thoughts to hold us hostage, keeping us stuck in cycles of inaction.
I’ve been guilty of all these things. After leaving my toxic environment, I channeled my energy into people-pleasing, thinking that making others happy might somehow repair the brokenness inside me. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. It left me drained, exhausted, and further from myself. Worse, my inner dialogue became a loop of negativity so relentless it would make Gollum himself cringe.
But here’s the thing, Adventurers: recognizing these patterns isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about awareness. Pause for a moment and ask yourself: Where might I be sabotaging my own growth?
Don’t get down on yourself for these behaviors. Think of them as the starting point for your next adventure. Much like the statues of Argonath marking the entry into Gondor, these moments of self-awareness stand as landmarks. They remind us of where we are and point us toward where we can go.
This is your moment. Take a deep breath, step into the unknown, and trust that what lies ahead holds the potential for healing and growth. The first step is always the hardest—but it’s also the most powerful.
“You have to remember,” Wiest writes, “that your feelings, while valid, are not often real.”
This stopped me in my tracks. Feelings can be so convincing, can’t they? They whisper that we’re unworthy, unlovable, or stuck. But often, they’re just echoes of old wounds, reflections of past experiences rather than the truth of the present.
When I started unpacking these beliefs, I discovered a voice buried deep inside me—the echoes of every “you’re not enough” I’d ever heard. I had unknowingly allowed those words to shape my reality, becoming a lens through which I viewed myself and my potential.
Wiest describes emotional intelligence as the ability to understand and respond to your emotions in a healthy way. For me, this meant rewiring my self-talk. I had to replace the inner critic with a kinder, more compassionate voice. Instead of berating myself for not healing fast enough, I began saying, “You’re doing the best you can today.”
And you know what? That shift mattered. Victories don’t always have to be grand; they can look different every day. Some days, a victory is making your bed for the first time in two weeks. Other days, it’s telling your boss “no” to an extra project that would hinder your productivity. Every step counts.
So, Adventurer, what stories are you telling yourself? Are they tales of power, growth, and resilience? Or are they ones that keep you tethered to pain and doubt? If it’s the latter, it’s time to rewrite the narrative. The pen is in your hands. Write a story worthy of the hero you are becoming.
I used to believe healing would come in a single, glorious breakthrough—a dramatic, life-altering moment where everything would just click.
Spoiler: it didn’t. Instead, healing came in tiny, unglamorous shifts. It looked like choosing to go for a walk when staying in bed felt easier, journaling my fears instead of ignoring them, and saying “no” to people or situations that drained me.
Brianna Wiest calls this process a paradigm shift—the slow unraveling of assumptions that opens the door to new realities. And let me tell you, unraveling those assumptions wasn’t always comfortable.
Take this one, for example: I used to think, If I can’t fix the relationship, it means I failed. But over time, that thought began to shift. It became, Sometimes walking away is the strongest choice. Choosing peace for myself isn’t failure—it’s freedom.
Or this one: If I’m not productive, I’m worthless. That belief had its claws in me for years, but little by little, I rewrote it. Now, I remind myself, Rest is part of the process. Slowing down doesn’t make me less valuable—it helps me show up stronger when it matters most.
Paradigm shifts aren’t flashy. They’re the quiet moments when you challenge your inner narrative, replacing old, limiting beliefs with ones that serve your growth. They’re the steps forward that don’t feel monumental until you look back and realize how far you’ve come.
As I shared in From Thoughts to Reality: Creating the Life You Want, “Your thoughts are the seeds of your future. Choose wisely and plant with intention.” Paradigm shifts are the moments when we stop to replant those seeds—replacing fear and doubt with courage and possibility.
Adventurer, what beliefs are holding you back? What truths are waiting to take root? Remember, even the smallest shift can spark profound growth.
Gratitude became my saving grace, a steadying force when the waves of pain and loss threatened to pull me under.
It didn’t erase the hurt or magically solve my problems, but it brought me back to the present, grounding me in what was still good.
When I was overwhelmed by what I’d lost, I started small. I’d list simple joys: the soft glow of a sunrise that made me pause, a friend’s thoughtful text checking in, or the comfort of a book that spoke to my soul (The Mountain is You was one of them). These moments weren’t grand, but they reminded me that beauty and connection still existed, even in the midst of struggle.
As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “Peace is found in the present moment.” Brianna Wiest echoes this truth: “You change your life when you become comfortable with being happy here.” Not tomorrow, not when you’ve “figured it all out,” but right here, in the messy middle of your journey.
Gratitude isn’t about ignoring what’s hard—it’s about finding light amidst the shadows. It’s the simple act of noticing what you have instead of fixating on what you’ve lost. For me, that might look like savoring a quiet moment with my morning tea, feeling the cool breeze during an evening walk, or laughing at a ridiculous meme a friend sent me.
Adventurer, what parts of your life can you appreciate today, even as you work toward growth? It doesn’t have to be grand. Let it be honest. Let it be yours. Gratitude is the compass that points us back to ourselves, showing us how far we’ve come and reminding us that joy can coexist with healing.
An Invitation to Heal
Adventurers, healing is not a straight path. It twists and turns, often doubling back on itself, messy and raw like the roots of an ancient tree. But within that chaos lies the magic—it’s deeply personal, beautifully imperfect, and entirely possible.
Every step you take toward understanding yourself, every choice to honor your needs, is a victory. Even the small ones. Especially the small ones.
So, where have you been holding yourself back? Maybe it’s in the stories you tell yourself, the relationships you cling to out of fear, or the dreams you’ve placed on the back burner. What small, courageous step can you take today to reclaim your sense of safety, peace, or joy?
Remember, Adventurer, healing isn’t about rushing to the finish line. It’s about showing up for yourself, again and again, and trusting that every step—no matter how small—leads you closer to the life you deserve. Let’s take those steps together.
Reflection Questions
What self-sabotaging patterns have you noticed in your life, and what might they be trying to protect you from?
How do your current thoughts and beliefs shape your feelings? What might need reexamining?
What small, daily actions can you take to nurture gratitude and safety in your life?
What would your life look like if you fully trusted yourself to handle whatever comes your way?
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Feel free to share in the comments. Let’s continue this journey together.
Healing Roots, Transforming Stories, Cultivating You
Much Love, Jae