Much like my letter to grief, this letter was born out of a need for healing and understanding. In Dear Grief, I explored the depths of loss and the ways it has shaped me, recognizing how grief has woven itself into my identity. Now, I see that grief and darkness are deeply connected—both stemming from unhealed wounds, yet both offering profound lessons if I’m willing to listen. Grief taught me to let go, to release the parts of my past I can’t control. Darkness, on the other hand, is teaching me to confront what I’ve hidden, to face the pain and disappointment that has lingered for so long. Together, these letters form the foundation of my healing, each revealing that true transformation comes when we embrace, not avoid, the shadows within.
In this letter to my inner darkness, I dive into the parts of myself I’ve tried to erase—the weight of unspoken disappointments, the anxiety and perfectionism that have followed me for years. I spent so long wrestling with these feelings, believing I had to conquer them to find peace. But I’ve come to realize that peace doesn’t come from eliminating darkness; it comes from accepting it. Dear Darkness is a reflection of that acceptance, of my willingness to acknowledge the shadows without fear, to understand that they have protected me in their own way. This letter is a step toward embracing the balance between light and dark, knowing that healing begins when I honor all parts of myself.
Dear Darkness,
How did I fall so low? The weight of these feelings haunts me, always creeping in, bringing their companions—anxiety and perfectionism. They claw at my sanity, trying to crush me under the pressure of perpetual disappointment. Disappointment in the people who were supposed to have my back unconditionally. Disappointment in my so-called protectors. Disappointment in myself for not having it together. For not being a better example. For not being… more. And like a twisted soul train line, disappointment drags along frustration and hopelessness, both dancing to the relentless staccato of my broken heart.
For decades, I’ve identified myself by all the things I am not. Not enough. Not worthy. Not strong. But that facade has begun to crack. I wasn't made to please others. Suffering is not my birthright. Peace and joy are. I exist to experience love and compassion. My positive vibrations will conquer the discord and chaos around me. And that, dear Darkness, has brought light to my shadowed world.
I don’t blame you for being here. In fact, I admire you. You’re strong, elegant—a true class act. I created you myself, after all. You existed to protect me, to shield me from the hurt I wasn’t ready to face. You formed to create a barrier between me and the harshness of reality. Thank you for loving me in the way you knew how. You were born out of survival, out of necessity. And while others might fear their darkness, I see you for what you are—a reflection of all I’ve been through. A reminder that I am still here. Alive. Fighting.
It’s still dim sometimes, and I can’t always see the way out. But my dream, my hope, my prayer is that we’ll meet on even ground someday. That we’ll walk through the caverns and tunnels of this life side by side, not at odds. We’ll look into the light together, hand in hand. And maybe for the first time, I’ll smile. I’ll conquer you, not by banishing you, but by welcoming you, accepting you, making peace with the pieces of myself I’ve hidden away for so long.
You’re not always there, but when you are, I feel you deeply. And yet, I still want to know you. I want to understand you. Because in the end, you’re a part of me, and we can’t move forward until I embrace all that I am. One day, we’ll find our way together—not in opposition, but in harmony.
Much Love,
Jae
Reflection
How has my inner darkness shaped me, and what can I learn from it?
Reflect on how your struggles have helped you grow and what lessons they may offer.What parts of myself have I been avoiding, and how can I embrace them?
Think about the sides of yourself you've hidden and how you can welcome them with kindness.How can I build a more accepting and balanced relationship with my darkness?
Explore ways to create harmony between your light and dark sides for deeper healing.