Crash, Burn, Rise: The Gritty Truth About Healing

Reaching Resilience: Installment #6

Mar 05, 2025

Dear Adventurers,

Recovery from trauma is often described as a journey, but imagining it as a straight, smooth road doesn’t capture the reality of healing. Stephanie Foo’s memoir, What My Bones Know, serves as a poignant reminder that healing is far from linear. It’s messy, full of loops, setbacks, and moments of profound growth. For anyone navigating the complexities of recovering from toxic relationships or trauma, Foo’s story offers both relatability and hope.

In her memoir, Foo shares her struggles with complex PTSD, exploring how trauma manifests in her body and mind and detailing her relentless pursuit of healing. Her journey is one of progress and relapse, victories and challenges—a dynamic I’ve also experienced in my own Life Adventure.

Foo’s story resonates deeply with my realization that healing requires embracing the messiness, finding meaning in both the wins and the stumbles, and holding space for grace and compassion throughout the process.

For those recovering from toxic relationships or striving to break free from harmful patterns, this nonlinear journey can feel daunting. However, Foo’s memoir—and my own experiences—demonstrates that within these ups and downs lie the tools and lessons needed to move forward.

Recognizing Nonlinearity in Your Own Healing Journey

One of the most striking lines in Foo’s memoir reads:

“Healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about learning to live with it in a way that doesn’t destroy you.”

This perspective reframes healing as a process of integration rather than elimination. Foo reminds us that healing doesn’t mean we’ll never feel the weight of our trauma again. Instead, it’s about learning to carry that weight with greater strength, resilience, and grace.

Reflecting on this, I see parallels in my own life. Choosing to leave my family home and create space for a peaceful living arrangement was a monumental step—a clear win in my healing journey. It represented prioritizing my well-being over cultural and familial expectations. However, soon after, I faced a financial setback: running up credit card balances I had worked hard to consolidate.

In the past, I might have seen this as a failure, a step backward into old patterns. But now, I understand it differently. This time, the spending wasn’t impulsive or rooted in seeking dopamine hits, as it once was when online shopping became my coping mechanism. Back then, the thrill of clicking “proceed to checkout” and the anticipation of an “out for delivery” notification filled a void.

This time, the spending was tied to survival as I adapted to my new circumstances. It served a clear purpose, and I approached it with a plan to resolve the debt rather than letting financial insecurity paralyze me. Developing a healthier relationship with money following this experience remains a challenge, but it’s also a testament to my resilience and ability to grow.

Self-Reflection Prompt:
Think about a time when you felt like you were backsliding in your healing journey. How might you reframe that experience as part of your growth? What did it teach you about your strength and adaptability?

Navigating Relationships: Balancing Boundaries and Compassion

Foo delves deeply into the complexities of relationships shaped by trauma, poignantly writing:

“Sometimes, loving someone means letting go of the version of them you want them to be.”

This sentiment resonates profoundly with my own struggles. Over time, I’ve made significant progress in setting boundaries, such as practicing segment intending before answering phone calls. This is a win because it allows me to regulate my emotions and assess my bandwidth before engaging in conversations—especially with those who often call needing to be poured into. By pausing, I’m able to approach these interactions with greater intention, ensuring I’m in a space to respond mindfully rather than reacting out of obligation.

Yet, I still wrestle with the deep-seated belief that I must “save” my loved ones from their poor decisions. When I pick up the phone, I hope for an exchange of encouragement and pleasantries, but more often than not, I’m pulled into a whirlwind of work drama, emotional turmoil, and overall low vibrations. I want to show them I care—to prove my love through presence—so I listen and support. But I’m beginning to realize the cost of their access to me.

The truth is, the emotional toll of being present for these interactions often feels too high. My pitcher isn’t being filled; instead, I’m left depleted. As someone committed to being a beacon of light and love in the world, this feels like a setback. But the beauty in this realization lies in my ability to love and show compassion—it reflects my capacity to care deeply.

Still, I’m learning that compassion, like any resource, must be stewarded wisely. My mission to shine love on the world doesn’t require me to overextend myself, especially for those who may not be in a space to receive or reciprocate. I’ve come to understand that the most powerful way to inspire growth in others is by modeling healthy behavior. By extending compassion to myself, I demonstrate what it means to prioritize wellness and boundaries—a lesson far more impactful than words alone.

Self-Reflection Prompt:
Who in your life do you feel responsible for “saving”? How might shifting your focus to saving and nurturing yourself serve as a model for their growth

Thank you for visiting the Shire Bonsai Network! This post is public—feel free to share it with fellow adventurers on your journey~

Wins and Challenges in Professional and Personal Spaces

Healing often unfolds unevenly across different areas of life, with progress in one sphere sometimes contrasting starkly with challenges in another. Foo captures this reality perfectly when she writes:

“You can’t heal everything at once. Focus on the fire closest to your feet.”

In my professional life, I’ve made tremendous strides in asserting boundaries and protecting my peace. I’ve learned to communicate my needs clearly and navigate work relationships with a newfound confidence. This progress has been a significant win—one that has not only improved my daily interactions but also reinforced my sense of self-worth. I no longer feel obligated to overextend myself or sacrifice my well-being for the sake of appearing accommodating or agreeable.

For example, I’ve set limits on after-hours availability and have become comfortable saying “no” to tasks or responsibilities that don’t align with my priorities or capacity. These changes didn’t happen overnight; they required practice, self-reflection, and a willingness to confront the discomfort of standing firm. But the result has been liberating—a professional life that feels more balanced and aligned with my values.

However, translating these same boundaries into my personal and familial relationships remains a struggle. Years of enmeshment and unspoken expectations make asserting myself feel fraught with guilt and fear of rejection. In these spaces, saying “no” or expressing my needs often triggers feelings of selfishness, as though prioritizing myself means I’m letting others down.

Despite these challenges, I remain committed to growth. I continue to ask the universe for clarity and discernment, trusting that time and reflection will help me understand which relationships and dynamics serve my well-being and which do not. I’m also learning to view my professional progress as a blueprint for personal growth, recognizing that the tools I’ve developed at work—clear communication, self-awareness, and boundaries—can be applied to my relationships with family and friends.

The unevenness of this progress doesn’t diminish its value; rather, it underscores the complexity of healing. Each step forward, whether in one area of life or another, is a testament to resilience and growth.

Self-Reflection Prompt:
Where have you been able to set boundaries successfully? Where do you still struggle? What lessons from one area of your life can you bring into another?

Finding Meaning in the Setbacks

Foo’s memoir is rich with moments of profound insight, particularly around the importance of reframing setbacks. She writes:

“A setback isn’t the end of the story. It’s just the universe asking you to slow down and pay attention.”

This perspective has been eye-opening for me. It’s easy to view setbacks as failures, moments that pull us backward instead of moving us forward. But Foo’s words remind us that these challenging moments can be invitations for deeper understanding and growth.

Reflecting on my own life, I can see that what once felt like failures—like overspending or struggling with enmeshment in family dynamics—are, in fact, opportunities to learn. When I faced financial difficulties after consolidating credit card debt, I could have seen it as a sign that I wasn’t making progress. But instead, I chose to view it as a moment to pause, reassess my relationship with money, and create a more sustainable plan for the future. This experience taught me to approach challenges with more self-compassion and resilience.

Similarly, moments of feeling caught in my family’s emotional turmoil used to make me question my boundaries and self-worth. Now, I see these experiences as chances to strengthen my resolve, re-evaluate what I need to protect my peace, and practice asserting myself with kindness. The lessons are not always easy, but they are essential.

This idea of finding meaning in setbacks aligns perfectly with the message of the Shire Bonsai Network article, The Path to Growth: Peaks & Valleys, which reminds us that growth is not just about reaching the peaks but navigating the valleys with intention. The setbacks, with all their challenges, contribute to the depth of our growth and help us build the inner strength needed for the next climb.

So, if you’re facing a setback in your journey, remember this: it’s not the end of the story. It’s a chance to slow down, reflect, and learn. You have everything you need to move forward with greater clarity and purpose.

Self-Reflection Prompt:
Think about a recent setback in your healing journey. What was it trying to teach you? How can you use this lesson to move forward with greater intention?

Practicing Grace and Patience in Healing

Stephanie Foo’s memoir What My Bones Know is a powerful reminder of the importance of extending grace and patience to ourselves as we heal. Foo writes:

“Healing is not about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming whole.”

This sentiment has become a guiding light for me. Every win, every challenge, and every silver lining is a piece of the puzzle that makes me whole. The road to healing is not paved with perfection; it’s built from the cumulative moments of struggle, growth, and acceptance. It’s about learning to live with the complexities of our past while finding a way to move forward with strength and compassion.

Reflecting on my own Life Adventure, I see that practicing grace is crucial—whether I’m navigating work boundaries with confidence or confronting feelings of guilt in family interactions. Each setback and every victory teaches me something valuable. They remind me that healing isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing process. It’s embracing the messiness, celebrating the progress, and remembering that every stumble is part of the dance of growth.

To anyone on this journey: You are not broken. You are becoming whole, one step at a time. Give yourself permission to pause, reflect, and be gentle with yourself. Understand that progress may not always look how you expect, but it’s still progress.

Self-Reflection Prompt:
What does “becoming whole” mean to you? How can you celebrate the small wins and forgive yourself for the stumbles along the way?

Closing Thoughts

Healing from trauma, breaking free from toxic patterns, and building a life of peace and authenticity is an extraordinary journey. It’s not linear, and it’s not easy—but it is worth it. Stephanie Foo’s memoir reminds us to embrace the process in all its complexity, and my own experiences have taught me the same.

So, as you walk your own path of healing, take time to reflect, celebrate, and extend grace to yourself. Your journey is uniquely yours, and every step—forward, backward, or sideways—is a part of your growth.

Reflection: Your Journey, Your Insights

As you read through this article, take a moment to pause and reflect on your own experiences. Healing is a deeply personal journey, and each of us navigates it in our own unique way. Consider the following prompts to guide your self-reflection:

Recognizing Nonlinearity: How has your healing journey included ups and downs? What stands out as growth or setbacks?
Navigating Relationships: How do you set boundaries while being compassionate? Do you feel responsible for "saving" others?
Finding Meaning in Setbacks: What did a recent challenge teach you, and how can you use that lesson going forward?
Practicing Grace and Patience: What does “becoming whole” mean to you? How do you celebrate small wins and forgive yourself?