Building Bridges, Not Walls: Nurturing Boundaries in Friendships

Book Credit: Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown

Nov 20, 2024

Dear Adventurers,

In our most cherished friendships, boundaries often go unspoken, but they’re essential for sustaining true connection and trust. Just like the balance of a carefully tended bonsai tree, friendships flourish when given space to breathe and grow. Brené Brown, in Braving the Wilderness, offers powerful insights on building authentic relationships without losing ourselves in them. With boundaries, we cultivate friendships that support us rather than shape us—an essential step in creating connections that feel like home.

Belonging vs. Fitting In: A Foundation of Authenticity

One of the central themes in Braving the Wilderness is the difference between belonging and merely fitting in. Brown explains,

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

It’s tempting to mold ourselves to fit a friend’s expectations, but when we do, we may lose pieces of ourselves along the way.

Imagine you have a friend group that enjoys late-night outings. At first, you try to match their energy, even if it leaves you exhausted. Over time, this can create resentment because you’re not respecting your own need for rest. A healthier approach would be to let your friends know that while you love spending time with them, you’ll join occasionally and make other plans to connect during the day. This honesty not only respects your needs but encourages friends to see you for who you are, promoting genuine belonging over fitting in.

Vulnerability and Trust: The Heart of Boundaries

In friendships, vulnerability is often seen as a way to deepen bonds, but vulnerability without boundaries can quickly lead to burnout. Brown’s phrase “strong back, soft front, wild heart” perfectly describes this balance. A strong back means having boundaries that keep you steady, a soft front allows for connection, and a wild heart reminds you to stay true to yourself. When we embrace this, friendships become a place of mutual growth rather than a one-sided give-and-take.

Consider a friend who often turns to you for support during difficult times. While their openness is something you value, you may notice that constantly being their go-to for heavy conversations is starting to feel draining. Setting a boundary might sound like, “I care deeply about what you’re going through and want to be here for you. Sometimes, though, I may not have the mental space to be fully present. Could we check in with each other before starting these deeper conversations?” This approach ensures the friendship stays open, supportive, and balanced, while respecting both friends’ well-being.

In my closest friendships, we’ve created phrases to signal our emotional availability and ensure we’re on the same page before diving into heavier topics. Here are a few examples we’ve found helpful:

“Meet me where I am” – This lets the other person know, “What I’m about to say may sound vulnerable or even raw, but I need a safe space to share.”
“Do you have the mental bandwidth for me to discuss…?” – Sometimes, just asking if it’s a good time can make all the difference. Possible answers might include, “Yes,” “I can listen but may not be in a mental space to give advice,” or “Could we circle back later? I want to give your thoughts my full attention.”
“Are you in a position to listen to me vent? I don’t need advice—just an ear.” – This helps set clear expectations and opens a supportive space for expression without placing undue pressure on the listener.
“I’m struggling with a thought pattern that isn’t serving me… would you be open to helping me unpack it?” – This phrase invites your friend to help with self-reflection and problem-solving, rather than taking on your emotional load.
“I feel like a bad person. Can you just sit with me in silence?” – Sometimes, we need presence over words. This gives permission for silent support and can be incredibly healing in moments of self-doubt.

By using phrases like these, friends can respect each other’s emotional boundaries while still showing up authentically. These exchanges foster connection in a way that honors each person’s capacity and reinforces a friendship where both friends feel safe and valued.

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Navigating Difficult Conversations: Honesty with Grace

Friendships sometimes require hard conversations to address and adjust boundaries. Brown notes,

“People often silence themselves, or ‘agree to disagree’ without fully exploring the actual nature of the disagreement, for the sake of protecting a relationship and maintaining connection.”

But when we avoid these conversations, misunderstandings fester and resentment builds—a recipe for fractured friendships.

Imagine a friend who regularly asks you for favors—financial help, or assistance with tasks. Instead of letting frustration simmer, take a moment to share how you’re feeling: “I’m here for you, but I need to balance my own commitments, too. Let’s find ways to support each other without either of us feeling stretched.” This approach keeps the conversation open and shows that your boundary doesn’t mean you care any less.

Similarly, if a friend tends to show up unexpectedly or change plans last minute, a gentle request can help create balance: “I love our time together, and it would help me to plan ahead. Could we work on scheduling things that give us both time to prepare?” This type of discussion is an invitation to strengthen the connection by honoring each other’s limits.

Stay tuned—we’ll explore even more strategies for handling these kinds of conversations in future content. But for now, remember that approaching these moments with honesty and empathy allows friendships to deepen, with each person feeling heard, valued, and respected.

Practical Tips: How to Set Boundaries in Friendships

Here are ways to put boundaries into practice with clarity and kindness:

Define What You Need to Feel Supported – Take time to reflect on what makes you feel respected and valued in friendships. Perhaps you need quiet time to recharge, or you’d like more balanced check-ins with friends. Setting these as your benchmarks helps you communicate them effectively. Without self-awareness and clarity, it’s challenging to articulate your needs or to set boundaries that protect them.
Communicate Openly and Early – Approach conversations with respect and openness. If a friend regularly calls late at night, try saying, “I love our talks, and I want to be fully present. Can we find a time that works for both of us so I can give you my full attention?” Remember, even close friends can’t read our minds; they can’t address a concern unless we share it openly.
Be Prepared for Discomfort – As Brené Brown wisely notes, “Do not think you can be brave with your life and your work and never disappoint anyone. It doesn’t work that way.” Setting boundaries may disappoint some, but true friends will value your honesty and appreciate that it comes from a place of respect. Ask yourself, Would I rather feel unfulfilled by following others’ expectations or feel authentic by honoring what’s true to me?
Adapt as Needed – Boundaries can evolve over time. If you’re in a new stage of life or notice a shift in your friendship dynamic, check in with your friend to adjust expectations. This fosters mutual respect and flexibility, allowing both of you to grow alongside each other. Remember, our journeys are always evolving—we never arrive, and that’s the beauty of life.

Conclusion

Just as the bonsai needs pruning to thrive, friendships require boundaries to grow in healthy, supportive ways. Brown’s wisdom in Braving the Wilderness teaches us that setting boundaries doesn’t isolate us—it strengthens the bridges that connect us. A friendship rooted in respect, openness, and honesty allows us to share our truest selves and to “find our way through the pain” as Brown reminds us. By nurturing boundaries, we cultivate friendships that enrich us, bringing authenticity and peace to our lives.

Questions for Reflection:

How do I feel when I say "no" to a request? Is it empowering, challenging, or a mix of both?
What commitments or requests could I reconsider to better align with my core goals?
How often do I say yes out of obligation or guilt rather than genuine interest?
In what areas could I benefit from giving myself more time before responding?
What small boundary could I set this week to protect my time or energy?